Happiness

I was going to write about my fitness journey so far. Well, I don’t think I can call it that since it’s been about two days. But I’m cheesing so much right now.

Baby Fever

Guess who’s expecting a new bundle of joy???

“Dealing” with Natural Hair

So the other day (meaning a long time ago), I was speaking with an older cousin of mine. By older, I mean like mid-thirties. Quite frankly, our conversation made me sad.

Basically, she pulled on one of my strands and said the following “your hair would be so long and pretty if you just put some cream in it,” by this, she means a relaxer. So, naturally, me being respectful, I just laugh and said that no I like my hair the way it is.

So then, she pretty much responds saying that my hair is just a phase, and that I’ll come to my senses, blah, blah blah. 

I love my family and all, but obviously, this pissed me off. Apparently me wearing the hair that grows out of my head in its natural form is a phase? How? When? Why? Where?

I perfectly understand that not everyone is going to accept my hair journey, but when someone belittles you for the reasoning that, get this: they failed their own natural hair journeys makes no sense to me.

Frankly, I like washing, detangling, hennaing, and just all around messing with my hair. It’s fun! I love how I can wear an afro one day, straighten it the next day, and then do something else later. Hell, I love the compliments, the stares, and the questions I get. Yeah, I know I’m unique, I’ll flaunt it!

Bottom line is, when nobody calls for you, don’t come after them.

Changes and Memories

So, I’m about to be an aunt. Like an actual aunt. People may think, “oh what’s the big deal? It’s not your child,” or “you already have nieces and nephews, what’s the big deal?”

Yes ladies and gentlemen, and those who fall in between, I am an aunt. One that is very much excited and scared to be an aunt, again. But this time, there is a difference. This is the child of my brother. The one that I’ve grown up with. The one who has both bullied and protected me. The one who I’ve taken my love of video games and Dragonball Z from. He’s the one that taught me how to drive. He’s the one who contributed to the madness that you see here.

He is the one who has both annoyed me and inspired me. I’ve confided in him and hid things from him when I believed that he wouldn’t understand me. But he hasn’t judged me for it, well as far as I know.

So, thinking about him in this way, and thinking about how we’ve grown up together, growing both apart and closer, naturally this child will be someone very special to me. I hope that I will be the greatest aunt to him. I hope I will be able to guide him to the right paths. I hope that I can love him unconditionally. I think I will actually.

There’s always a sadness that comes with thinking about my new nephew. I know I won’t be able to protect him from all of the failings of society. Nobody will. I know he will have his moments when he’s scared and I won’t know what to do. I know that there will be moments when he won’t even want to talk to me.

Most selfishly though, the greatest sadness that I feel right now is the fact that I’m growing up.

There is only one year in my life when I wasn’t an aunt. But my brother’s child shows that those days of playing Tekken 2, those days when I could selfishly cry for his attention, those days when I was player 2, those days when we would run outside barefooted on scalding concrete in the blazing Jamaican sun, those days when we were children are gone. They’re only fond memories, and it’s hard to handle that.

The only thing I can do is adjust to this. I can only make sure that my nephew has the best childhood. I can only look forward to that.

On being excited for the future

I’m at that crossroads in my life where I’m about to transition into a completely new part of my life. I will go from being in an institution where I’m surrounded by people my age to a place where friends aren’t so easy to find. I will be responsible for all of my bills, housing, food, you name it. And I’m so excited for it.

It’s strange because for me, leaving university is a manner for me to find myself, especially because I feel that, despite the fact that I have had so many years to try to realize what I want, my answer to that annoying question is still “no comment.” I have family pushing me in towards one area, but I realize that I will have to woman up and make my own decisions. I want to be happy, and for me, happiness doesn’t necessarily include me having some prestigious law degree while I rot away in my shitty six figure job while resenting me family for pushing me into something for their bragging rights.

I want to make sure that I truly want to do something before I do it, even if it includes angering my family, because at the end of the day, it’s my life. So, even if I make my mistakes, they are mine and mine alone to learn from. I will pick myself up, brush myself off, and start over. As long as I am happy and can learn from my decisions.

Giving up for your own sanity (part 2)

Wow, this took a while for me to update. The weird thing is that it was through a visit from Viola Davis that I gathered up the confidence to do this again. She was amazing, but maybe I’ll write about that later. With that, let’s carry on with this subject!

Having someone say that you’re the reason that they’re still alive and that you’re somehow expected to continue that role is something that no one should have to experience, especially when they are so young. The worst thing is when you don’t know if you should tell someone, or in my case, call psychological services. Here’s the short answer. Do it.

Why? I got lucky. I’m sitting here writing to you about a former friend who is still alive. Alive being the key word. I could not even imagine how it would be if that person had taken their own life. The kind of guilt that would evoke would be soul crushing and heart wrenching. If you think that someone is a danger to their own lives, call someone. They may hate you. In fact, they probably will, but do it.

I tried the method of appeasing that person, but they still hate me. I’m not even sure if they’re okay, but at the moment, that’s something that is out of my hands. I’m sure that if I had called psych services, this person would have received the help that they needed. But, that’s just how it is. For the moment, these are the things that I have gathered:

1. No matter what you do, the person will resent you for not being able to be there from them.
2. If you’re the closest to them, they will hate you the most.
3. They will abuse you, tell you everything that you’ve done wrong to them.
4. They will listen to none of your thoughts, none of your feelings, no matter how legitimate they are.
5. You will feel bad for leaving…
6. But you have to, and will, get over it.

Self care is important. Listen to your heart and your soul. Know that giving up doesn’t mean that you don’t love the person, it just means that you know to love yourself. Sometimes, that’s all that matters.

Giving up for your own sanity (Part 1)

So this topic has been weighing on my mind for the past couple of months actually. I’m not sure if it can apply to a romantic relationship in the spirit of valentines day, so for now, I will be speaking about another kind of heartbreak…a friendship breakup.

There’s something about giving up that just makes you feel like the sum of the earth. Especially when you’re giving up on someone that you love. Furthermore, it gets worse when that person is someone that you spend so much time with that you don’t even know how to function when they’re not there. You imagine them with you for the rest of their loves. You’ll be there through the greatest moments of their lives and the worst, you can only hope that they feel the same way. But what happens when the worst part of their lives causes them to turn on you? It turns them into someone that you don’t recognize? Someone that tries to control your life?

In my case, I had to go through the rounds of ending a friendship that was dear to me due to the other party’s mental status. It was the very reason that I didn’t want to end the relationship because they stated that I was their rock, and they were mine. But, during this point in our friendship, our relationship went from mutual understandings to me being their caretaker. It went from deep conversations to belittling me for “not doing enough.” It went from us being each others rocks to them saying that I was the only reason that they were alive and that if anything happened to them it would be my fault for being a bad friend.

That kind of pressure is not good for anyone, but it’s even worse for someone like me who has barely learned to take care of herself. I didn’t know what to do. Thinking back on it, I should have called psych services, but things weren’t so cut and clear back then.