So, I’ll be graduating in T minus 12 days and I’m super excited! I’ll finally receive that degree that I’ve been working my bum off for..forever. I’ll moving to a new city in a new state,and starting a new job in July. So this is definitely a new chapter in my life.
It seems so unreal that I’m sitting here, post-finals, playing Town of Salem with my roommate, and lounging around, and I’m done. I’ve ordered my cap and gown, tried on my dresses for graduation and formal. Senior week is just around the corner. Much debauchery to have and memories to be made.
There’s this sense of hope and happiness that I have knowing that I’m graduating, but I also feel sadness knowing how much everything is going to change. I won’t be returning to the familiar faces of my friends and roommates. I won’t be able to casually go to my friends’ rooms to hang out, because they’ll be thousands of miles away from me.
I’m not sweating it though. I’m looking forward to all of the things that being a working woman has to offer. I want to be able to make new friends, learn new things, drive and live by myself. I don’t want to have to depend on others for things that I want or need.
So for now, later! I’ll probably post about graduation!
I’m at that crossroads in my life where I’m about to transition into a completely new part of my life. I will go from being in an institution where I’m surrounded by people my age to a place where friends aren’t so easy to find. I will be responsible for all of my bills, housing, food, you name it. And I’m so excited for it.
It’s strange because for me, leaving university is a manner for me to find myself, especially because I feel that, despite the fact that I have had so many years to try to realize what I want, my answer to that annoying question is still “no comment.” I have family pushing me in towards one area, but I realize that I will have to woman up and make my own decisions. I want to be happy, and for me, happiness doesn’t necessarily include me having some prestigious law degree while I rot away in my shitty six figure job while resenting me family for pushing me into something for their bragging rights.
I want to make sure that I truly want to do something before I do it, even if it includes angering my family, because at the end of the day, it’s my life. So, even if I make my mistakes, they are mine and mine alone to learn from. I will pick myself up, brush myself off, and start over. As long as I am happy and can learn from my decisions.
Wow, this took a while for me to update. The weird thing is that it was through a visit from Viola Davis that I gathered up the confidence to do this again. She was amazing, but maybe I’ll write about that later. With that, let’s carry on with this subject!
Having someone say that you’re the reason that they’re still alive and that you’re somehow expected to continue that role is something that no one should have to experience, especially when they are so young. The worst thing is when you don’t know if you should tell someone, or in my case, call psychological services. Here’s the short answer. Do it.
Why? I got lucky. I’m sitting here writing to you about a former friend who is still alive. Alive being the key word. I could not even imagine how it would be if that person had taken their own life. The kind of guilt that would evoke would be soul crushing and heart wrenching. If you think that someone is a danger to their own lives, call someone. They may hate you. In fact, they probably will, but do it.
I tried the method of appeasing that person, but they still hate me. I’m not even sure if they’re okay, but at the moment, that’s something that is out of my hands. I’m sure that if I had called psych services, this person would have received the help that they needed. But, that’s just how it is. For the moment, these are the things that I have gathered:
No matter what you do, the person will resent you for not being able to be there from them.
If you’re the closest to them, they will hate you the most.
They will abuse you, tell you everything that you’ve done wrong to them.
They will listen to none of your thoughts, none of your feelings, no matter how legitimate they are.
You will feel bad for leaving…
But you have to, and will, get over it.
Self care is important. Listen to your heart and your soul. Know that giving up doesn’t mean that you don’t love the person, it just means that you know to love yourself. Sometimes, that’s all that matters.
So this topic has been weighing on my mind for the past couple of months actually. I’m not sure if it can apply to a romantic relationship in the spirit of valentines day, so for now, I will be speaking about another kind of heartbreak…a friendship breakup.
There’s something about giving up that just makes you feel like the sum of the earth. Especially when you’re giving up on someone that you love. Furthermore, it gets worse when that person is someone that you spend so much time with that you don’t even know how to function when they’re not there. You imagine them with you for the rest of their loves. You’ll be there through the greatest moments of their lives and the worst, you can only hope that they feel the same way. But what happens when the worst part of their lives causes them to turn on you? It turns them into someone that you don’t recognize? Someone that tries to control your life?
In my case, I had to go through the rounds of ending a friendship that was dear to me due to the other party’s mental status. It was the very reason that I didn’t want to end the relationship because they stated that I was their rock, and they were mine. But, during this point in our friendship, our relationship went from mutual understandings to me being their caretaker. It went from deep conversations to belittling me for “not doing enough.” It went from us being each others rocks to them saying that I was the only reason that they were alive and that if anything happened to them it would be my fault for being a bad friend.
That kind of pressure is not good for anyone, but it’s even worse for someone like me who has barely learned to take care of herself. I didn’t know what to do. Thinking back on it, I should have called psych services, but things weren’t so cut and clear back then.
Yeah, so it’s cold outdoors and apparently it’s supposed to be about -10 degrees outside tomorrow, but I still decided to go out with my lady friends! And it was awesome! There’s something about the fact that we have only a few more months (maybe) together that allows us to bypass all of the bad things that may keep us apart. We were able to drink, play games, dance, and just laugh together. I know I’m going to miss these moments. I realize that we may not always have the time to be together like this, but to whomever is reading this. Appreciate your friends, you never know what will happen. Right now I’m too worn out to write more, but I will provide an in-depth guide (?) to dealing with issues within friendships. For now, enjoy yourselves!
So I decided, along with my other roommates, to go to Portugal for Spring Break in March (thank God for Groupon). I’ve been saving for a while and it ended up being the best deal that we found! After finding the deal, we called our parents to inform them of our plans, like the good children that we are.
We pretty much were met with the same responses. They ranged from: “but Isis is over there” to “but it’s so far, why don’t you just stay in the US?” to “are you sure? Did you do your research, the world is a dangerous place you know?” They’re all fine and all. It’s fine to have fear, we’re human, it’s how we survive. The problem comes when our fears are so overpowering that it prevents us from living our lives to the fullest. I already know that I’m going to die at some point in my life. We all are. I want to live a long life, but I don’t want that life to consist of me just hiding away in somewhere that is “safe.” There is no such place. I mean, come on! We’re all on a planet hurtling through space! Some asteroid could come and wipe us out. A super-volcano could erupt at any moment and just screw us over. Despite the differences that we love to put between ourselves, and the safe places that we’ve imagined, we’re all in the same boat. Screwed. Doomed. Gonna die. But, at the moment, we have life. There’s no point in just hiding away just to live another day, because at some point, that other day isn’t going to come.
That got a lot darker than I wanted it to get, but it’s true. Anyway, I’ll make sure to blog about Portugal when I get there. Well, probably after I get back home because I really want to enjoy my time with my roommates. I mean, when are we ever going to be able to travel and spend time with them like this?
Actually, that was like two days ago, I was just too bogged down to post anything. Anyway, this is it. My final semester as an undergraduate student. After this, I will be leaving a wonderful university with a degree, one of the first in my family to do so. I’m so excited, but I’m also so scared to see what the world has in store for me. I hope that I’ll succeed and make my family, especially my mother, proud. I hope that I will learn from any mistakes and that I’ll be able to mentor others who were in my position at some point. These past three and a half years have been difficult and enriching. I’ve made friends and lost friends. I’ve traveled. I’ve succeeded and I’ve failed. I’ve led and I’ve been led. I’m going to make this a short entry, but I do want to leave two messages: first, go to university/college, it’s been worth it. I’ve met so many people who have influenced me in some strange manner, both good and bad. There are lessons to be learnt from everyone that you meet there and in your regular life. Secondly, students who are/will be the first in their families to go to college, there are so many resources available to you, use them. There are people out there willing to speak with you, guide you, and cheer you on. Go for it, it’s worth it.